


Bite by Bite

by nauticalwarrior



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Uhhhhh basically Neil is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 03:33:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12879297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nauticalwarrior/pseuds/nauticalwarrior
Summary: Neil is fine, after it's all over. He doesn't have anything to be upset about anymore.That's why it's definitely not a problem that he's not eating.





	Bite by Bite

**Author's Note:**

> This could be triggering for anyone who struggles with disordered eating or an eating disorder. Please read at your discretion.

Neil will never understand how his brain works. This doesn't make any sense, because it's never been a problem before. It's never even been an option before, but here he is.

Neil knows two things about food and his body: he will die if he gets out of shape and he has to eat healthy to play Exy. What Neil has been doing lately might not be  _ that _ healthy, but he isn't even really sure it's that bad of an idea, anyway. 

So, Neil sits at the table in his dorm room and does not touch the Chinese takeout that he and Andrew ordered. Instead, he watches last year's videos from the team the Foxes are going to face in the first match of the year. They're okay, but the defense is weak and Neil thinks it'll be a good start to the season.

Andrew presses Neil's laptop shut. “Junkie.” He points at the lo mein. “Eat.”

Neil obediently eats his dinner, but later that night his stomach feels hot and swollen. He goes to sleep with a soy sauce flavored bowling ball in his stomach.

\--

Neil skips lunch now. It's just a thing he does; his schedule is such that it's inconvenient (and he's not entirely sure he needs the extra food anyway). It goes like this: Neil wakes up and makes toast for him and Andrew, or Andrew makes them eggs. They go about their days, and Neil comes back to the dorm room. They either get takeout that Neil picks at, go to the dining hall together, or Andrew has sweets and Neil nibbles at fruit and vegetables. Neil doesn't even get hungry now. He doesn't think Andrew's even noticed anything different. It's not that strange, anyway. Neil can't wrap his head around that fact that he used to eat  _ more. _ When he thinks back on what he ate yesterday (a slice of toast, a chicken breast in some tangy sauce, a bowl of steamed broccoli, one of Andrew's sweet potato fries, two strawberries that Nicky didn't want because they were too ripe for him) it just seems like a lot, excessive. Neil's not really sure that it's a bad thing he's eating less. Kevin still eats healthier than him, and he'll make comments when the Foxes eat takeout or fast food. So, it's fine for Neil to eat less. 

\--

“Hey, Neil?” Nicky tilts his head, and Neil can see his eyes scanning his body. “Have you lost weight?”

Neil has. He weighs himself in the gym every day, and he is fifteen pounds less than he was a month ago, give or take a pound.

“Yeah, a little.” Neil tries not to lie any more, but he feels like he  _ should _ be lying about this for some reason. Nicky frowns, but he doesn’t ask anything else. 

\--

“Neil.” Andrew’s voice startles Neil, who tries in vain not to jump. Andrew is staring at him from across the table, his fried rice nearly gone. Neil has not touched his stir fry. He stopped ordering rice or noodles, because he wasn’t eating them and they’re unhealthy anyway, but Neil doesn’t even want the vegetable and shrimp right now. His stomach feels tight and shy inside of him, and he really needs to study for this test, anyway. Neil looks Andrew in the eye, takes a sip of water, and goes back to his textbook. 

Andrew’s chair squeaks against the floor as he stands up. Neil pretends not to notice as Andrew walks over to him, stands over him and puts a hand on the textbook. Neil looks up at him, realizes how rare it is that  _ he  _ looks up at  _ Andrew _ , and almost laughs. Andrew tugs the textbook off the table, holds it without looking at it. 

“Eat your dinner.” He turns, drops the textbook onto an armchair, then looks back at Neil expectantly. 

Neil swallows. “I really need to study-”

Andrew glares at him. “Don’t.” He storms out, and Neil wonders if he missed something.

\--

“What are you  _ doing? _ ” Kevin asks him in furious French, his eyes narrowed and annoyance hot on his face. “This is stupid.”

Neil gives him a look, replies in English. “I’m not doing anything.” Kevin just glares.

Matt, who didn’t even hear what Kevin said, gets up from where he’s sitting on the couch and heads into the bathroom. On his way, he turns to Neil.

“I thought you were done lying?” He shuts the door, and Kevin folds his arms and stares Neil down. 

“This is stupid,” he says again, this time in English. “You need to stop it.” 

Neil feels like he both knows exactly what Kevin means and like he has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. He takes a breath.

“I’m fine.” Neil realizes his mistake too late, when Kevin stomps out of the room and slams the door behind him.

\--

“Aren’t you hungry, Neil?” Renee asks him so gently as she passes the asparagus to Aaron, who puts food on his plate with one eye on Neil. 

Neil shakes his head. “No, I’m-” He pauses, rethinks. “I ate earlier.” It’s not a lie, not at all. Neil had toast this morning.

Renee gives him a worried look, but takes her eyes off of him when Andrew comes back into the dining room with a pair of tongs for the chicken. This was Dan and Nicky’s idea, a family style dinner for the Foxes to relax and hang out without the freshmen. Neil kind of wishes he hadn’t come when Andrew puts a chicken leg onto Neil’s plate and looks at him pointedly before serving himself dinner. Neil stares at him wide-eyed for a second too long, drags his gaze back to his plate. The chicken has been cooked in the oven, simmering in its own fat. He can see the grease on its surface, shiny and slick. Neil swallows the saliva in his mouth and thinks about what it would taste like- oily, salty, savory. He tries to imagine himself taking a bite, but all he can think about is how chicken breast is healthier, better for an athlete. If he eats this, he’ll get weaker, even just a little bit, and he could slip up in a game, get his team killed. He knows that one chicken leg wouldn’t do it, but it could add up. He can’t.

Instead, Neil takes the asparagus and the broccoli when they’re offered to him. He watches everyone else as they start to eat (Nicky and Renee are clearly watching him. Andrew too, but that’s not unusual.) Even though it makes Matt and Dan stare too, Neil wipes the oil off of his asparagus before he eats it. It’d upset his stomach anyway. 

\--

Andrew drops a bowl into Neil’s lap, and Neil almost spills his coffee when he starts. It’s a bowl of banana and kiwi, cut up. Andrew tosses a fork over to him, and he catches it as he watches Andrew plop down in the other bean bag and stare Neil down. 

“You’re eating that.” His face is impassive, as always.

Neil sucks in a breath. “I’m not hungry.”

“Don’t care. You need to eat.” He doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he’s watching Neil. Neil stabs a piece of fruit, bite. He’s not sure if it tastes perfect or disgusting, but he swallows that bite and the next one, until the bowl is empty and his hands are shaking. He tries to get up to put the bowl in the sink and realizes he can’t breathe because his stomach is so full and he can’t play Exy with a rock in his gut. 

Andrew walks over to him, grabs the back of his neck, breathes slowly next to him. “Calm down.” Neil tries, he really does, but it feels like there’s a piece of kiwi stuck in his throat, choking him.

Andrew sits with his all night, even though Neil doesn’t look at him or say a word.

\--

Neil thinks he’s been doing worse. He still can’t really get his head around the fact that there’s something wrong about what he’s doing to begin with, (and it feels so much worse to eat, so so so much worse) but he hasn’t eaten anything the past few days and he knows he was off his game at practice yesterday. Kevin left halfway through, and he didn’t even look at Neil. 

So, Neil is sitting at the table and staring down a plate of food from the dining hall: a chicken breast with no skin or sauce, steamed broccoli, and brown rice. Not a lot of anything. He picks up his fork. Andrew isn’t in the dorm room, but he’ll be back soon enough. He hasn’t really left Neil alone at all the past few weeks, and Neil knows it’s because he’s worried, even if he hasn’t said as much. Neil takes a bite of the broccoli, feels it crawl down his throat to hide under his ribcage. He sips at his glass of water, hoping to push away the sensation of food. He’s hungry, probably, but not in a way that he feels in his belly or his head; he’s tired, like his arms and legs are made of jelly and his skull is full of steam. This isn’t a good idea, even if it wasn’t always a bad one. 

The door opens behind Neil, and he’s only eaten one bite of broccoli. Neil can feel Andrew’s gaze on the back of his head, but neither of them say anything. As Andrew plops down in the beanbag, Neil stabs another piece of broccoli, swallows it, sips his water. He cuts off a slice of chicken. Cuts it in half again. Mushes it with his fork. He doesn't want to eat it, so he puts another piece of broccoli in his mouth and chews. 

Neil watches Andrew as he struggles through the broccoli. Andrew's moving about the dorm room, and at first Neil thinks he's tidying up, but when he brings his laptop into the living area and sets it in front of the beanbag it becomes clear he isn't. Andrew points at the beanbag, which now has a blanket next to it, another beanbag pulled beside it, and two steaming mugs of what smells like tea on the floor by the laptop. 

“We're going to watch Exy while we eat. You sit. I'm getting food from the fridge.” Andrew waits, staring at Neil until Neil nods and stands up, taking his plate with him. He sits down in the beanbag chair that's normally his and rests his food on his lap, staring blankly at it while Andrew rustles around in the mini fridge. He plops down next to Neil a moment later, cold pizza in hand. Andrew reaches over and starts the video, and Neil eats dinner without having to think about it too hard.

\--

Neil takes thee last bite of his protein bar and shoves the wrapper into the garbage can as he heads out the door. He nearly runs straight into Kevin, who jumps a foot in the air and then stares at Neil like he just grew antlers. Neil finishes chewing and swallows before giving Kevin (who's  _ still _ ignoring him, even though he's been eating) a dirty look. He turns to head to class.

“Neil.” When Neil glances back, Kevin nods at him. “Your game is going to be a lot better.”

Neil rolls his eyes. “Yeah, eating generally makes Exy easier.” He snorts, ignoring how weird it still feels to think about eating, to talk about it. “See you at practice.”

Kevin nods in return, and Neil heads to class with the taste of chocolate in his mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked it! I really wanted to write something for this fandom but like,,, all I can write is ED stuff lol


End file.
